Happy you: 2 writing exercises that help accepting yourself as you are

Accepting yourself as you are–even if you haven’t finished your work, if you said something stupid, or if you’re in bed by 9 p.m. every night. How can you approach things differently?

‘I really should be able to do this by now’; ‘This can’t be normal’; ‘Did I do something weird?’; ‘Should I have understood what was going on? Known? Seen it?’; ‘Do I look funny?’ ‘Is it okay to do this?’ ‘Is it okay to have these feelings?’

These kinds of inner dialogues all revolve around the same question: ‘Can I accept myself as I am? My good side as well as my less good, less strong and less beautiful qualities? My insecurities, bad temper and weird nose?’

Research has shown that people who can answer this question with a ‘Yes’ have fewer psychological issues. They are less inclined to feel depressed or anxious, can view their own behavior more objectively, and are better at handling criticism. Self-acceptance is a strong predictor of life satisfaction, as revealed in research carried out by British developmental psychologist Karen Pine and her colleagues at the University of Hertfordshire, UK.

But that same research also showed something else: We’re really bad at it. The question, ‘How often are you kind to yourself and do you think you are fine the way you are?’ received the lowest score.

Accepting our not so perfect self

But you know what, most of the time we aren’t all that perfect. Sometimes we toss and turn all night, we mess up in our relationship, we’re scared, angry or chaotic, we say stupid stuff.

If you can learn to be kinder to yourself and accepting of your own flaws, it also becomes easier to show others who you really are. By doing so, you show your humanity—and it often turns out that other people don’t run away at all, but actually draw closer to you, to let you know they feel the same.

So you don’t have to fix everything about yourself to fit some ideal image of how you should be. ‘Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her,’ as the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu wrote many centuries ago.

2 writing exercises for self-acceptance

Exercise 1: Create a white book

A white book is a positive diary in which you write down all the moments that made you feel good. You can use it as an exercise in looking at things differently, a way to zoom out and replace negative views with positive experiences.

Collect beautiful moments and write them down: it could be a nice conversation you had at work, or an interesting leaf you found on the street.
Write as expressively as possible: What happened? What did it look like? What did it smell like? What sounds did you hear? How did you feel about it?
For each moment, write down what your own input was. Maybe you smiled, and that started the conversation at work. And maybe you saw that leaf because you are attentive to your surroundings.

Exercise 2: Get inspired by others

Imagine being able to organize a day of inspiration for your own life—the sky’s the limit. You’re allowed  to invite three to five people you admire and who inspire you in the choices you make. A family member, for example: your uncle who is coping so well with his illness. Or someone famous, such as Beyoncé, Malala Yousafzai, Jane Campion… Or any historical figure you’d like to meet, maybe a resistance hero, or a fictional character from a movie or book, such as Pippi Longstocking, Barbie or Matilda.

Describe each person in detail on a piece of paper.
Why are you inviting that person? What do you admire about them and what inspires you? What values does this person pursue (in your opinion)?
Circle the words that appeal to you or are important to you. Now pick out three to five words from this and write them in a (pretty-looking) list.
These are the values that will help you make choices and show yourself as you really are. It helps you understand when things are difficult, why you say what you say, or do what you do.

Text Peggy van der Lee Illustration Bernardo Henning